Understanding my career wasn't helping my mind so to speak, i jumped ship to another department with hope that my future would be in better hands. It was soon pretty clear, it was out the oven and into the frying pan. Within months of the new role, it was clear the longevity just wasn't there. A stressful time broke out where there was no route forward, and no route back, and the time had come to say goodbye. After a few months of continuously searching for new opportunities, i managed to land a job just outside of the area. I don't think i'll get in trouble for saying that had i not landed this new role, the company had made it clear i had no role left working within the business.
I always compare my time there similar to how the great CM Punk analyzed his time in WWE after he left. He had many fantastic quotes about the burnt bridges and relationships with the company. When asked if he would ever go back: ' I've been there, I've done that, i have no need to go backwards. I know there will be people out there that will one day hope a day will come when i will, but right now in this moment, i have absolutely no desire to ever go back' Take from that what you will.
On a positive note, the new role was similar to what i had been doing. Still walking into the sunset holding my 'Steve Austin salute' to the previous, i tried to embrace my new company and look to thrive in a new environment. Months passed again, and the travel and working hours were beginning to take a toll on me both financially and mentally. By this point i had full on decided there was a life outside of Microsoft Excel, and i was'nt using any of my strengths and people skills i had spent the majority of my career gaining. One year on from starting, almost to the day, i left the role to work back much closer to home. Embracing my love for technology with my 'unique' customer skills, i had found a role which played to the best of both. My job is different from day to day, it keeps me mentally active, and i work for a company who wants me to succeed in my career. My advice to anyone reading this is look at your working life and establish if you have just occasional bad days, bad weeks, or bad months. If its either of the latter two, then it clearly isn't right for you. It's ok to try new things and challenge yourself, but the people and environment you hold at work is important because you spend so much time there.
Besides my career some other stuff happened in the past 3 years. I moved house... twice in a month. One was infested by rats...oh and the shower leaked through the ceiling. That's probably a whole other story for another time.
I finally, after years and posting cheesy chat up lines online, met someone special. (Awww this is the cute fluffy bit for the girls). Now a year and a bit strong, I've kind of got my own family situation to look out for, and properly taken after my old man in terms of keeping a kid entertained. It can be exhausting, but it can also bring great reward. Me and my Mrs have a great relationship, and have recently started discussing the possibility of living together. Watch this space..
So, i'm 29 now, and this whole saga began right back when i was just 22 years old. Incredible to think how much the landscape has changed in those 7 years, but after some pretty high speed bumps i feel like i'm finally going somewhere. I still take the medication to this day, each night before bed, and i'm hoping to soon review the situation with the doctor and take the dosage down. Yes, i have relapses and panic attacks, they haven't completely gone, but i have learnt to control them, and the situations i know will cause them. I also have a couple of great close friends to give props too for keeping me above water through the past few years. These are the people i am eternally grateful too.
I shared this story because depression, anxiety, and stress are all common things in young adults these days. Having clawed my way through some hefty situations, i just plead to those affected you are not alone, and over time things do get better. I have an arrow tattooed on my arm which represents life to me. You have to sometimes pull it back into the bad, to appreciate the going forward and good parts. At the back of my arrow are 3 feathers...my Nan, my Grandad and my Dad. 3 people whom had a huge impact on my life,and losing each of them although heartbreaking, has made me a stronger person. For every person i make laugh, for every kid i make smile, and every good deed i do..i do it for them, because thats exactly what they did for me.
I hope someone somewhere got something from this story, and if i can help anyone further with mental health awareness or guidance on losing someone close to them, i will try to help. I have many more stories i will look to explore through my blogs, some of which have remained very hidden and personal until now. Where do we go next, you will have to wait and see.
Thanks for taking this journey with me if you came along for the ride, and letting me share The Untold Story.
Martin
Friday, 9 September 2016
Friday, 2 September 2016
The Untold Story - Part 4
Sometimes you just have to stick your hands up and shout help. I sent myself to the GP, and explained how everything was just crumbling, and i was getting panic/anxiety attacks in sporadic sessions. He said three words to me 'Are you stressed?'. I explained the work situation, and then i diverted off explaining how i had lost dad, even if it was a few years ago. Apparently, things like this can be handled easily at the time they happen, but can come back to effect you in later life as Post Traumatic Stress. That topped off with everything else had just sent my body into shutdown. We looked at two options, option one, professional counselling on a regular basis to discuss my issues and vent, and option two medication. Considering my situation career wise wasn't exactly bright, i decided i needed a behind the scenes fix where i could continue life and improve at the same time. The last thing i wanted to do was take more time out from work, so i chose medication.
At this point, its probably worth pointing out at the age of 29 i still have not fathomed the method of swallowing tablets. Me and my sister have pretty much nailed this on an incident involving a Tunes sweet, and my Nan having to turn me upside down while i was choking. Don't ever offer me a Tune...i'm mentally scared for life. So i twisted the doctors arm for some kind of liquid. He got out this giant medical book, something which seemed to resemble a spell book at that point, and thought he had found something. 'I'm not sure on this, but i think this should work' He reassuringly said. 'It's drops, which you dilute in water...you must be careful on the dosage though as they are a strong reaction'. You must realize, when you are sat feeling miserable and helpless in front of a doctor, any solution is a good solution to you. I agreed and said although he wasn't sure i would try them. 'However...' he said, as my facial expression sudden turned to confusion, 'there are some strange side effects, some you might have some you wont'. Some were obvious, some of the more entertaining ones i found 'can cause Panic and Anxiety' 'Erectile Issues' 'Suicidal Thoughts'... These drugs sure sounded heavy, and like any insane human being, the first thing i did was Google what i was taking. I found lots of medical pages, but i did stumble across a forum, where people who had been taking the medication talked about there findings. A lot of the talk was positive reviews, but after a long period of time, sometimes months or years. They stated 'keep going with it, even if it doesn't look like anything is happening'
I took my first dose, and on about day 3, i was in a collapsed weak state. Unable to move, or function i had to be written off from work for a few days as i physically could not do anything. After seeing the doctor again, he changed the dosage down, but agreed we should continue with the medication. Sure enough, 4 or 5 days later, i was back moving, and life seemed to continue on as normal. Over the course of the weeks and months that followed i learned some valuable points on my medication. The first was i could never just stop taking it if i felt i was 'cured'. This wasn't something you can easily come off, and you have to gently ease not taking it as a gradual process. The second thing i learnt, is you don't mix it with alcohol. Still being relatively young and influenced, i had on nights mixed with alcohol and been violently sick. So i would drink, and not take the medication,and be sick from not taking it. It was a lose/lose situation. In late 2015, i finally decided to become Tee Total, and never touch an alcoholic drink again. I had run my party shoes out with alcohol, and was happy to hang them up for good, and embark on sober nights forever more.
So, as this story draws to a close in the next edition, your probably wondering if there is a light at the end of the tunnel? In the final part of this blog, i'm going to pull the story right up to the present in how i managed to turn things around in the past few years, and how i fight off the panic & anxiety demons now. The whole point of me writing The Untold Story is to show people experiencing similar situations at a young age that they are not alone. Mental Health goes unnoticed in most, and worst of all loved ones and people close by who do not understand the situation can easily be pushed away. If after writing this, one or two more people have a better knowledge of how this mentally effects people...then it was a blog worth writing.
Look forward to the final...and more positive chapter..next time.
Martin
At this point, its probably worth pointing out at the age of 29 i still have not fathomed the method of swallowing tablets. Me and my sister have pretty much nailed this on an incident involving a Tunes sweet, and my Nan having to turn me upside down while i was choking. Don't ever offer me a Tune...i'm mentally scared for life. So i twisted the doctors arm for some kind of liquid. He got out this giant medical book, something which seemed to resemble a spell book at that point, and thought he had found something. 'I'm not sure on this, but i think this should work' He reassuringly said. 'It's drops, which you dilute in water...you must be careful on the dosage though as they are a strong reaction'. You must realize, when you are sat feeling miserable and helpless in front of a doctor, any solution is a good solution to you. I agreed and said although he wasn't sure i would try them. 'However...' he said, as my facial expression sudden turned to confusion, 'there are some strange side effects, some you might have some you wont'. Some were obvious, some of the more entertaining ones i found 'can cause Panic and Anxiety' 'Erectile Issues' 'Suicidal Thoughts'... These drugs sure sounded heavy, and like any insane human being, the first thing i did was Google what i was taking. I found lots of medical pages, but i did stumble across a forum, where people who had been taking the medication talked about there findings. A lot of the talk was positive reviews, but after a long period of time, sometimes months or years. They stated 'keep going with it, even if it doesn't look like anything is happening'
I took my first dose, and on about day 3, i was in a collapsed weak state. Unable to move, or function i had to be written off from work for a few days as i physically could not do anything. After seeing the doctor again, he changed the dosage down, but agreed we should continue with the medication. Sure enough, 4 or 5 days later, i was back moving, and life seemed to continue on as normal. Over the course of the weeks and months that followed i learned some valuable points on my medication. The first was i could never just stop taking it if i felt i was 'cured'. This wasn't something you can easily come off, and you have to gently ease not taking it as a gradual process. The second thing i learnt, is you don't mix it with alcohol. Still being relatively young and influenced, i had on nights mixed with alcohol and been violently sick. So i would drink, and not take the medication,and be sick from not taking it. It was a lose/lose situation. In late 2015, i finally decided to become Tee Total, and never touch an alcoholic drink again. I had run my party shoes out with alcohol, and was happy to hang them up for good, and embark on sober nights forever more.
So, as this story draws to a close in the next edition, your probably wondering if there is a light at the end of the tunnel? In the final part of this blog, i'm going to pull the story right up to the present in how i managed to turn things around in the past few years, and how i fight off the panic & anxiety demons now. The whole point of me writing The Untold Story is to show people experiencing similar situations at a young age that they are not alone. Mental Health goes unnoticed in most, and worst of all loved ones and people close by who do not understand the situation can easily be pushed away. If after writing this, one or two more people have a better knowledge of how this mentally effects people...then it was a blog worth writing.
Look forward to the final...and more positive chapter..next time.
Martin
Friday, 19 August 2016
The Untold Story - Part 3
Once everything had started to calm down, it soon came about that a 4 bed house was too big and costly to maintain for just two of us. With my sister now safely back in Australia, that just left me and my mum living in the family home. With mums head firmly set on moving to the coast, that led me to a big decision at just 22.
Since i had been back from Australia, id found myself unemployed. In order to be able to take such a long holiday, i had to agree to break my contract of work, and basically leave my job. This meant i quickly had to find work. Having many connections to Street, as this is where i went to College and had previously worked, i started to look for open opportunities. For legal reasons, i cannot outright name any company in this story, but i soon found an advert for a very large retailer looking for staff. It was local, good enough pay, and a job i could do. So come the end of 2009, in early November, i started working for them
Within just 6 months of being in the role, i was already looking for something more challenging. I had elevated to a senior member of the team in a short time, but the challenge and interest of the job just didn't exist enough to keep me. The retailer had a vast array of departments internally, and i soon found an opportunity to move roles. Around the same time as starting this new job, i had decided it was time to move out of home, and rent on my own. I was now pulling enough wage in to support accommodation, so i started to look and view local properties in the area, trying to locate close to work to cut down on travel. Just recently a new estate was being built, and i found out that some of the properties were being rented out. After a couple of viewings, i had decided this was going to my home, literally 5 mins walk from work.
As i had been viewing properties on my own, i had to break the news to my mum that i had finally found somewhere to move out too. I explained i had friends nearby, and the location fitted with my work, i felt i was ready. You could tell she had almost come to accept the fact that moving out was going to my choice, but it would still be a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I got the keys in June of 2010, and as soon as i had them, regardless of furniture, i had to stay in my own flat, because i finally had my own space. (It had nothing to do with the fact the Sky man was coming the next day to install obviously). I packed up the bare essentials, a sleeping bag and a TV, and spent my first night, on the floor of my new flat, much like a squatter would have. As i lay there on carpet, just in a sleeping bag, i wondered if i had made decisions i would later regret, or is this how things were meant to pan out.
Soon enough the place started coming together, and with the job now in full swing, i finally felt like life was getting along. A year or two passed, and i was again on the hunt for a more challenging and diverse job.Looking to again move internally in the same company, i struck a few interviews and found positions of interest. Nothing seem to be happening though. I spoke to one of the interviewing managers and he replied 'you were great, but your manager dos't seem to think you want to leave, you may want to talk to him'. Now realizing i was trying to climb a wall i was never going to get over, in order to keep me in my current role, allegedly my line manger was putting out and fires i tried to start in order to leave. The roadblock had been firmly put in place. I approached him to discuss lettling me go on a short term leave, with the intention to return, just to re spark my motivation again, and give me knowledge in other areas. He did not agree to these terms.
When you grow up you soon realize you need this thing called a job, as it provides you this other thing called money, which seems to make the world go round. As i had a good income, i decided to bite my lip, and continue carry on. In the summer of 2013, it was announced the department was facing redundancies. My head spinning, and unsure of the future, the proposal was simple. You could apply for any job in the department you wanted, everything was up for grabs, and you interviewed like anyone else would. However not everyone would land the job they wanted, and some would land nothing at all.
This is where it felt like it first started, this is where panic overtook, and my mood rapidly deteriorated. I found myself having continual panic attack phases in short bursts, and at times i was totally put off eating. At times i felt sick, and extremely stressed out with life. Looking back now, i cant have been the easiest person to deal with at this time, and i found myself spiraling deeper down and down mood wise. It soon became clear, i needed help.
This story will continue again in the coming weeks.
Since i had been back from Australia, id found myself unemployed. In order to be able to take such a long holiday, i had to agree to break my contract of work, and basically leave my job. This meant i quickly had to find work. Having many connections to Street, as this is where i went to College and had previously worked, i started to look for open opportunities. For legal reasons, i cannot outright name any company in this story, but i soon found an advert for a very large retailer looking for staff. It was local, good enough pay, and a job i could do. So come the end of 2009, in early November, i started working for them
Within just 6 months of being in the role, i was already looking for something more challenging. I had elevated to a senior member of the team in a short time, but the challenge and interest of the job just didn't exist enough to keep me. The retailer had a vast array of departments internally, and i soon found an opportunity to move roles. Around the same time as starting this new job, i had decided it was time to move out of home, and rent on my own. I was now pulling enough wage in to support accommodation, so i started to look and view local properties in the area, trying to locate close to work to cut down on travel. Just recently a new estate was being built, and i found out that some of the properties were being rented out. After a couple of viewings, i had decided this was going to my home, literally 5 mins walk from work.
As i had been viewing properties on my own, i had to break the news to my mum that i had finally found somewhere to move out too. I explained i had friends nearby, and the location fitted with my work, i felt i was ready. You could tell she had almost come to accept the fact that moving out was going to my choice, but it would still be a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I got the keys in June of 2010, and as soon as i had them, regardless of furniture, i had to stay in my own flat, because i finally had my own space. (It had nothing to do with the fact the Sky man was coming the next day to install obviously). I packed up the bare essentials, a sleeping bag and a TV, and spent my first night, on the floor of my new flat, much like a squatter would have. As i lay there on carpet, just in a sleeping bag, i wondered if i had made decisions i would later regret, or is this how things were meant to pan out.
Soon enough the place started coming together, and with the job now in full swing, i finally felt like life was getting along. A year or two passed, and i was again on the hunt for a more challenging and diverse job.Looking to again move internally in the same company, i struck a few interviews and found positions of interest. Nothing seem to be happening though. I spoke to one of the interviewing managers and he replied 'you were great, but your manager dos't seem to think you want to leave, you may want to talk to him'. Now realizing i was trying to climb a wall i was never going to get over, in order to keep me in my current role, allegedly my line manger was putting out and fires i tried to start in order to leave. The roadblock had been firmly put in place. I approached him to discuss lettling me go on a short term leave, with the intention to return, just to re spark my motivation again, and give me knowledge in other areas. He did not agree to these terms.
When you grow up you soon realize you need this thing called a job, as it provides you this other thing called money, which seems to make the world go round. As i had a good income, i decided to bite my lip, and continue carry on. In the summer of 2013, it was announced the department was facing redundancies. My head spinning, and unsure of the future, the proposal was simple. You could apply for any job in the department you wanted, everything was up for grabs, and you interviewed like anyone else would. However not everyone would land the job they wanted, and some would land nothing at all.
This is where it felt like it first started, this is where panic overtook, and my mood rapidly deteriorated. I found myself having continual panic attack phases in short bursts, and at times i was totally put off eating. At times i felt sick, and extremely stressed out with life. Looking back now, i cant have been the easiest person to deal with at this time, and i found myself spiraling deeper down and down mood wise. It soon became clear, i needed help.
This story will continue again in the coming weeks.
Thursday, 11 August 2016
The Untold Story - Part 2
Ok, so last time we were here, i was 20 thousand feet in the air on my way back home. The mind constantly running with disbelief of the situation at hand, there was no time to take in the scenery. Once i had touched back in the UK, one of my friends greeted me at the airport. There was nothing better at that time, but to see a face you know. Another journey would then begin as we traveled from Heathrow back to Somerset. I was composed at this point, there were no tears or upset, i was just focused on returning home and getting to grips with everything.
As we pulled into the estate, part of me deep down remembered the last time i saw him in this spot. In the porch way, before i left, talking about the trip and having a laugh. The same porch way was now in front of me with a different feel. I got out of the car, walked up the driveway, my mum visibly upset by my arrival, and i simply said 'I'm home now'
Once my sister arrived with her partner, a place she had not returned too since she emigrated years before, the atmosphere was different. You just expect certain people to be in certain places, and things just didn't feel like home. It wasn't too long, and soon funeral arrangements had started to be arranged. We all decided to have a say in how things would go, from music to what hymns would be featured. Musical tracks, which not until 7 years later could i listen to again. I remember a distinct moment in all of this was when mum advised the undertaker had offered us to go and see dad before the funeral. It was a decision i was unsure on, do i take the lasting memory i have of him, or do i see him forever more in my mind in that environment which i had never been too before. I decided i wanted to remain with the thoughts i have, and keep the lasting image of him i still hold to this day.
Funerals are strange, because you end up seeing family and friends you dont see at any other time. As we traveled to Yeovil by hearse, i was thinking of all the funny times and jokes we had shared, and how his sense of humour had rubbed off on me. At that very point, on the A303 carriageway, a hearse decided to overtake us right down the right hand lane at great speed. On such a sad day. we all chuckled in the car, and said even up until his last swan song, he would always make us laugh.
As the funeral service went through, and i listened to the stories being told of his childhood, and love for his family, i knew soon it would be my time to speak. Both myself and my sister had pledged to read the Eulogy. A personal touch for us both, where we could write down what he meant, and give a personal recollection of the impact he had on us. As the time came in the service, my nerves were an all time high. I took to the podium, my notes in my hand, and in that split second before i started i looked around the room. Co workers, friends of his, neighbors, everyone was there. As my eyes came down to the front, directly looking at the coffin i could see my Nan & Grandad. They were both fixed on the coffin in the middle, and i realized at this point i was about to give the biggest speech in my life. Not only did i want to make my dad proud, but i also want to do justice for the people who had raised him many years before i was born.
I spoke of my best friend, and how he gave his everything to any job or person in front of him. A dedicated and passionate man, with an incredible sense of humour which made him so many friends. Surprised i was composed the entire time, i then handed to my sister who too would highly speak of a true role model for us both. After we had finished we both had a sigh of relief and took our seat for the final part.
As the curtains closed in the crematorium, and the music began to play (We had chosen Dexies Midnight Runners, a personal song choice for him), everyone stood up to leave. As i made my way to the exit, i passed by the front of the where the coffin was just moments ago, and i quietly said 'Goodbye Dad'.
Outside in the crematorium gardens, as a family (Mum, My Sister and Me) we greeted everyone who came to the service. The hardest part was seeing my Nan now much more visibly upset, and almost crumbling against the wall. As me and my uncle helped her stand, i realized I had already begun to fill the spot as the male figurehead of the family. I now felt i had to continue on the great legacy the man before me had left, and continue to support the family he had left behind.
This story will continue more in the coming weeks...
As we pulled into the estate, part of me deep down remembered the last time i saw him in this spot. In the porch way, before i left, talking about the trip and having a laugh. The same porch way was now in front of me with a different feel. I got out of the car, walked up the driveway, my mum visibly upset by my arrival, and i simply said 'I'm home now'
Once my sister arrived with her partner, a place she had not returned too since she emigrated years before, the atmosphere was different. You just expect certain people to be in certain places, and things just didn't feel like home. It wasn't too long, and soon funeral arrangements had started to be arranged. We all decided to have a say in how things would go, from music to what hymns would be featured. Musical tracks, which not until 7 years later could i listen to again. I remember a distinct moment in all of this was when mum advised the undertaker had offered us to go and see dad before the funeral. It was a decision i was unsure on, do i take the lasting memory i have of him, or do i see him forever more in my mind in that environment which i had never been too before. I decided i wanted to remain with the thoughts i have, and keep the lasting image of him i still hold to this day.
Funerals are strange, because you end up seeing family and friends you dont see at any other time. As we traveled to Yeovil by hearse, i was thinking of all the funny times and jokes we had shared, and how his sense of humour had rubbed off on me. At that very point, on the A303 carriageway, a hearse decided to overtake us right down the right hand lane at great speed. On such a sad day. we all chuckled in the car, and said even up until his last swan song, he would always make us laugh.
As the funeral service went through, and i listened to the stories being told of his childhood, and love for his family, i knew soon it would be my time to speak. Both myself and my sister had pledged to read the Eulogy. A personal touch for us both, where we could write down what he meant, and give a personal recollection of the impact he had on us. As the time came in the service, my nerves were an all time high. I took to the podium, my notes in my hand, and in that split second before i started i looked around the room. Co workers, friends of his, neighbors, everyone was there. As my eyes came down to the front, directly looking at the coffin i could see my Nan & Grandad. They were both fixed on the coffin in the middle, and i realized at this point i was about to give the biggest speech in my life. Not only did i want to make my dad proud, but i also want to do justice for the people who had raised him many years before i was born.
I spoke of my best friend, and how he gave his everything to any job or person in front of him. A dedicated and passionate man, with an incredible sense of humour which made him so many friends. Surprised i was composed the entire time, i then handed to my sister who too would highly speak of a true role model for us both. After we had finished we both had a sigh of relief and took our seat for the final part.
As the curtains closed in the crematorium, and the music began to play (We had chosen Dexies Midnight Runners, a personal song choice for him), everyone stood up to leave. As i made my way to the exit, i passed by the front of the where the coffin was just moments ago, and i quietly said 'Goodbye Dad'.
Outside in the crematorium gardens, as a family (Mum, My Sister and Me) we greeted everyone who came to the service. The hardest part was seeing my Nan now much more visibly upset, and almost crumbling against the wall. As me and my uncle helped her stand, i realized I had already begun to fill the spot as the male figurehead of the family. I now felt i had to continue on the great legacy the man before me had left, and continue to support the family he had left behind.
This story will continue more in the coming weeks...
Thursday, 4 August 2016
The Untold Story: Part 1
I've finally realized i am that point in my life i can openly discuss some events of my life that unfolded which certainly changed the course of how things continued. To some this type of conversation can bring up old memories, and times to reflect on things in your own life, but i feel it is important to divulge exactly what happened, and how the landscape of my life changed so drastically from these events over the years. The next few blogs will be the untold story of loss, heartbreak and depression. They will not be for the faint of heart, and the stories involved will be extremely real. By explaining how i handled things, i hope to inspire others in similar situations, and help people not effected by these issues to understand those who are much better. I feel safe to say i am on the other side of all of this, and my life right now is amazing,so i am happy to reflect on the past and help others learn from it.
Our story begins in the midst of 2009. I find myself, 10,000 miles across the world in Sydney Australia. Having hit a roadblock in terms of work, i decided a break was needed to rediscover things, and catch up with my sister who had emigrated years before to set up married life out there. I would be out there for a few months to fully appreciate everything, and spend some quality time together, and would look to return just short of my 22nd birthday.
Its night time, and we are talking middle of the night, early hours of the morning, from what i remember it was pitch black outside. I'm suddenly hearing a ringing sound, and confused why a phone is going at such hour of the night. I stir a bit, highly confused, i can hear my sisters partner race down the stairs to answer it. Then there was a long silence. I couldn't hear anything at all. By now my sister had joined him downstairs. I sit up right in bed, still rubbing my eyes...and then all i can hear is crying. Immediately understanding something isn't right, i head out onto the landing to see my sister crying into her partners shoulder. As i make myself half way down the first set of stairs, and ask what has happened, the reply was simple from him. 'That was your mum.... your dad has passed away...i'm so sorry'.
I crumbled to a seated position in the midst of the stairs. It was shock, it was disbelief, it was not knowing anything at all. I joined them in the kitchen, my sister still visibly upset, i decided to ring my mum back, more for my sanity than anything else. As the phone connects through, i can hear in her voice on the other end she is upset. Our family has always been well spoken around each other, and rarely sworn or cursed a bad word in each others presence. It was only fitting my opening line would be 'Ermmm right sorry but what the actual fuck is going on?' She began to tell me the story of how events had unfolded that day, and led up to what was currently late into the night in the UK. How he had left for work that morning, discussing if he was picking up the bread, a normal day, which just after lunch at work, saw him collapse to the floor. My father was a man of big stature, so this was quite a fall, and as paramedics rushed to get him to hospital...in the ambulance it was all but too late. Confused by this sudden development, and knowing i had been emailing my dad just days before, i still could not grasp that anything was wrong. Later on we would discover an un-diagnosed blood clot on the lung had slowly been taking its course,right up until this fateful day.
After hanging up the phone, composing myself, and realizing the situation we were now in, a plan had to be put into action. We were all 10,000 miles away, and i had the best part of a week and a half still to go. I began to contact airlines,and arrange to fly back the same day. I managed to get an upgraded ticket back leaving in a few hours, so it was time to quickly pack and get moving. I remember vividly saying goodbye to the place that had been my home for a few months, and all of sudden it would now be the place i remember receiving such devastating news. As the car pulled off the drive to the airport, i was already thinking of how this still did not feel real, and was just a really bad dream. As Australia was almost behind me, i took my souvenirs and luggage to the check in desk and looked ready to depart home. With an emotional goodbye to my sister, i stated 'i'm going home to take control...i'll see you there'. As i had arrived the long journey to Australia alone to begin, i knew the long journey back i would certainly have my thoughts with me the whole time for company. I couldn't eat, talk or sleep, i was just wide awake, not understanding that when i got home, my best friend would not be there.
This would certainly be a long journey home...
(This story and the after effects will continue in the coming weeks)
Our story begins in the midst of 2009. I find myself, 10,000 miles across the world in Sydney Australia. Having hit a roadblock in terms of work, i decided a break was needed to rediscover things, and catch up with my sister who had emigrated years before to set up married life out there. I would be out there for a few months to fully appreciate everything, and spend some quality time together, and would look to return just short of my 22nd birthday.
Its night time, and we are talking middle of the night, early hours of the morning, from what i remember it was pitch black outside. I'm suddenly hearing a ringing sound, and confused why a phone is going at such hour of the night. I stir a bit, highly confused, i can hear my sisters partner race down the stairs to answer it. Then there was a long silence. I couldn't hear anything at all. By now my sister had joined him downstairs. I sit up right in bed, still rubbing my eyes...and then all i can hear is crying. Immediately understanding something isn't right, i head out onto the landing to see my sister crying into her partners shoulder. As i make myself half way down the first set of stairs, and ask what has happened, the reply was simple from him. 'That was your mum.... your dad has passed away...i'm so sorry'.
I crumbled to a seated position in the midst of the stairs. It was shock, it was disbelief, it was not knowing anything at all. I joined them in the kitchen, my sister still visibly upset, i decided to ring my mum back, more for my sanity than anything else. As the phone connects through, i can hear in her voice on the other end she is upset. Our family has always been well spoken around each other, and rarely sworn or cursed a bad word in each others presence. It was only fitting my opening line would be 'Ermmm right sorry but what the actual fuck is going on?' She began to tell me the story of how events had unfolded that day, and led up to what was currently late into the night in the UK. How he had left for work that morning, discussing if he was picking up the bread, a normal day, which just after lunch at work, saw him collapse to the floor. My father was a man of big stature, so this was quite a fall, and as paramedics rushed to get him to hospital...in the ambulance it was all but too late. Confused by this sudden development, and knowing i had been emailing my dad just days before, i still could not grasp that anything was wrong. Later on we would discover an un-diagnosed blood clot on the lung had slowly been taking its course,right up until this fateful day.
After hanging up the phone, composing myself, and realizing the situation we were now in, a plan had to be put into action. We were all 10,000 miles away, and i had the best part of a week and a half still to go. I began to contact airlines,and arrange to fly back the same day. I managed to get an upgraded ticket back leaving in a few hours, so it was time to quickly pack and get moving. I remember vividly saying goodbye to the place that had been my home for a few months, and all of sudden it would now be the place i remember receiving such devastating news. As the car pulled off the drive to the airport, i was already thinking of how this still did not feel real, and was just a really bad dream. As Australia was almost behind me, i took my souvenirs and luggage to the check in desk and looked ready to depart home. With an emotional goodbye to my sister, i stated 'i'm going home to take control...i'll see you there'. As i had arrived the long journey to Australia alone to begin, i knew the long journey back i would certainly have my thoughts with me the whole time for company. I couldn't eat, talk or sleep, i was just wide awake, not understanding that when i got home, my best friend would not be there.
This would certainly be a long journey home...
(This story and the after effects will continue in the coming weeks)
Friday, 29 July 2016
Mario's Mattress & Martin's Monkees...
Just like Pidgeys, Council Tax and British Weather, The Long and Winding Croad is still here!
So this week I've had a new mattress on my bed, and as much as people joke 'wahey what did u do to break the last one', it was overdue an upgrade. I decided on memory foam, mainly for the huge reason is was cheap as nuggets online, After repairing the slats underneath, again no jokes required, i looked forward to my first night on foam. I have to say, although i feel i'm now leaving an Amazon review here, it was really comfortable. Once you get past the fact you feel like your being sucked into the mattress like a clip from Pirates of The Caribbean when Jack Sparrow gets sucked in by The Kraken... point is it was a good nights rest finally. When you get to the grey ages, you start clicking in your joints and cracking your bones so much, they need a good rest every so often. Oh no...I'm turning into a grumpy old man again arnt I..
As Pokemon Go continues to sweep the nation, its made me reflect on how far computer games in general have come. From side walking Mario, to the 3D spectacle of Grant Theft Auto, the detail has grown immensely in my time as a gamer. How many times did you ever hear someone go, 'Oh yeah Mario for the NES, completed that', the answer is none, because back then you didn't have the ability to save and come back to your game at a later date. You had to game yourself all the way through to the end, or when you met your eternal defeat, whichever came first. Being an Xbox gamer, i have spent the last few months deeply entangled in the world of The Rise of The Tomb Raider. Lara's modern day new look and captivating story lines (im turning into a reviewer again..) are just amazing, and im determined to get 100% completion on the game. It is so easy these days to look online and find cheats or 'tips' on how to get past certain points, which again is something which has evolved over the years with gaming. I'll keep you posted on mine and Lara's little quest, but we could quite well be still on an adventure for a long time yet.
The professional wrestling world is on its head, and as a new era has been embraced, new stars are being given the limelight to be the 'face' of the company. I'm really excited for the next few months, as both stars and fans are engaged in this resurgence, and continue to be excited by the momentum it is gathering. For those who have not watched any wrestling in years, the insurgence of independent talent and so called 'Indy' guys has turned the product into a masterpiece in terms of action. This is partly why i became a fan 16 years ago, and continue to follow the product with such a passion. You have to understand 'Attitude' has been and gone, and the business has had to evolve with the times and change accordingly. Now that social media is everywhere, the fans are much smarter, and the business is more synced in with what they want. Its a great time to be a fan.
Got a question, fire it over to me, and ill do my best to feature the best ones right here on the next blog.
Twitter: @PhoenixCroad - Use #TheLongandWindingCroad
ASK fm - @martincroad
Facebook me @ The Long and Winding Croad
In this weeks Q n A's:
If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys? - I'm just impressed one of them was able to type this to me!
If you were to do karaoke tonight, what song would you sing? - When i was in Benidorm years ago i did The Monkees - I'm a Believer....right now though....The Darkness - I Believe in a thing called Love. Full on air guitar is a must.
Do you collect anything? If so, what is it? - I used to collect Pro-Wrestling figures, still have them in the hundreds. All mint on card as well which i hope to get money for one day. I'd buy exclusive ones not released in stores too, so there is some big value there. Dont collect them anymore though, occasionally I buy one... when you have your own place, you tend to not have that much free money to collect anymore.
'Thats all folks' as Porky Pg would say... Take care of yourself...as Martin would say
Martin :)
So this week I've had a new mattress on my bed, and as much as people joke 'wahey what did u do to break the last one', it was overdue an upgrade. I decided on memory foam, mainly for the huge reason is was cheap as nuggets online, After repairing the slats underneath, again no jokes required, i looked forward to my first night on foam. I have to say, although i feel i'm now leaving an Amazon review here, it was really comfortable. Once you get past the fact you feel like your being sucked into the mattress like a clip from Pirates of The Caribbean when Jack Sparrow gets sucked in by The Kraken... point is it was a good nights rest finally. When you get to the grey ages, you start clicking in your joints and cracking your bones so much, they need a good rest every so often. Oh no...I'm turning into a grumpy old man again arnt I..
As Pokemon Go continues to sweep the nation, its made me reflect on how far computer games in general have come. From side walking Mario, to the 3D spectacle of Grant Theft Auto, the detail has grown immensely in my time as a gamer. How many times did you ever hear someone go, 'Oh yeah Mario for the NES, completed that', the answer is none, because back then you didn't have the ability to save and come back to your game at a later date. You had to game yourself all the way through to the end, or when you met your eternal defeat, whichever came first. Being an Xbox gamer, i have spent the last few months deeply entangled in the world of The Rise of The Tomb Raider. Lara's modern day new look and captivating story lines (im turning into a reviewer again..) are just amazing, and im determined to get 100% completion on the game. It is so easy these days to look online and find cheats or 'tips' on how to get past certain points, which again is something which has evolved over the years with gaming. I'll keep you posted on mine and Lara's little quest, but we could quite well be still on an adventure for a long time yet.
The professional wrestling world is on its head, and as a new era has been embraced, new stars are being given the limelight to be the 'face' of the company. I'm really excited for the next few months, as both stars and fans are engaged in this resurgence, and continue to be excited by the momentum it is gathering. For those who have not watched any wrestling in years, the insurgence of independent talent and so called 'Indy' guys has turned the product into a masterpiece in terms of action. This is partly why i became a fan 16 years ago, and continue to follow the product with such a passion. You have to understand 'Attitude' has been and gone, and the business has had to evolve with the times and change accordingly. Now that social media is everywhere, the fans are much smarter, and the business is more synced in with what they want. Its a great time to be a fan.
Got a question, fire it over to me, and ill do my best to feature the best ones right here on the next blog.
Twitter: @PhoenixCroad - Use #TheLongandWindingCroad
ASK fm - @martincroad
Facebook me @ The Long and Winding Croad
In this weeks Q n A's:
If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys? - I'm just impressed one of them was able to type this to me!
If you were to do karaoke tonight, what song would you sing? - When i was in Benidorm years ago i did The Monkees - I'm a Believer....right now though....The Darkness - I Believe in a thing called Love. Full on air guitar is a must.
Do you collect anything? If so, what is it? - I used to collect Pro-Wrestling figures, still have them in the hundreds. All mint on card as well which i hope to get money for one day. I'd buy exclusive ones not released in stores too, so there is some big value there. Dont collect them anymore though, occasionally I buy one... when you have your own place, you tend to not have that much free money to collect anymore.
'Thats all folks' as Porky Pg would say... Take care of yourself...as Martin would say
Martin :)
Thursday, 21 July 2016
Standing the Heat, but Feeling the Draft
I may be sunburnt and i may look like a grilled tomato, but that wont stop me from slammin out another edition of The Long and Winding Croad.
ASK fm - @martincroad
Facebook me @ The Long and Winding Croad
Avoiding the obvious fact, much like many Pokemon Go has taken over my life, everything else seems to be on steady track to somewhere. Living in the UK, we cry for the smallest bit of sun, to part from our usual dull and dreary days, but when it appears, and the sunglasses are on, the first comment is 'phew its too hot isnt it'. With building work currently being done on my flats exterior, and unable to open any windows due to this, im contemplating a money making opportunity of turning my bathroom into a walk in Sauna. During such a heatwave however, the most common underlying problem is sleeping. The many positions you try, small desk fans placed across the bedroom floor to circulate the little air in existence..and remembering times in your head is was much cooler and you were much more comfortable. As i write this, i see an old friend in the distance... a grey cloud has appeared. As quickly as we have all been up to our necks in ice lollys and sun cream, it could soon disappear.
So due to the WWE draft, i once again pulled an all nighter, finally going to bed at 4am Tuesday morning. It's hard to explain to others my dedication to the wrestling cause, but with social media being so prominent these days its getting more and more harder to avoid spoilers. The concept of the draft is to split all the wrestlers across two shows, thus then having two separate brands. A lot of people seem underwhelmed by the overall conclusion, but with anything it obviously has to take time to get off the ground. Really excited that Finn Balor now has a chance on the main stage, and i expect huge things from him on Monday Night Raw.
The mailbag is always open, so feel free to drop me a line with any questions. Wrestling, Life, Work, Pokemon Go...anything! If your lucky, your question might even make a future blog. I haven't even scratched the surface on Mental Health issues yet, so watch this space.
Twitter: @PhoenixCroad - Use #TheLongandWindingCroad
ASK fm - @martincroad
Facebook me @ The Long and Winding Croad
What or who motivates you to get out of bed every morning? - First and foremost Money, because without it you can't do a lot. It's the sad fact of life it makes the world go around, and in this current climate you need a lot of it. Especially if your car has to go to two separate garages in one week! Secondly, im always out to prove my worth and be the best i can be. As the great CM Punk once said 'I will prove to you i am everything i say i am and more. If you dont think im worth it, if you dont think im living up to what i say i am, then get rid of me, because i sure as hell know what im worth.'
What is the secret to a happy life? - Not being torn up in the opinions of others, not worrying the sky will fall down, and having friends who see you as you see them. Imagine happiness as a line, sometimes you will fall under it, sometimes you will go over it, but its about as staying as damn close to the middle as you can all the time.
Do you believe in Karma? - As in Awesome Kong? In the spiritual sense, absolutely. Everything happens for a reason. Everything catches up with you, and sooner or later the bad guys meet there end. You should only be worried about Karma catching up with you if you know you have done something wrong in the first place.
Until next time, Peace out monkeys
Martin
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