Understanding my career wasn't helping my mind so to speak, i jumped ship to another department with hope that my future would be in better hands. It was soon pretty clear, it was out the oven and into the frying pan. Within months of the new role, it was clear the longevity just wasn't there. A stressful time broke out where there was no route forward, and no route back, and the time had come to say goodbye. After a few months of continuously searching for new opportunities, i managed to land a job just outside of the area. I don't think i'll get in trouble for saying that had i not landed this new role, the company had made it clear i had no role left working within the business.
I always compare my time there similar to how the great CM Punk analyzed his time in WWE after he left. He had many fantastic quotes about the burnt bridges and relationships with the company. When asked if he would ever go back: ' I've been there, I've done that, i have no need to go backwards. I know there will be people out there that will one day hope a day will come when i will, but right now in this moment, i have absolutely no desire to ever go back' Take from that what you will.
On a positive note, the new role was similar to what i had been doing. Still walking into the sunset holding my 'Steve Austin salute' to the previous, i tried to embrace my new company and look to thrive in a new environment. Months passed again, and the travel and working hours were beginning to take a toll on me both financially and mentally. By this point i had full on decided there was a life outside of Microsoft Excel, and i was'nt using any of my strengths and people skills i had spent the majority of my career gaining. One year on from starting, almost to the day, i left the role to work back much closer to home. Embracing my love for technology with my 'unique' customer skills, i had found a role which played to the best of both. My job is different from day to day, it keeps me mentally active, and i work for a company who wants me to succeed in my career. My advice to anyone reading this is look at your working life and establish if you have just occasional bad days, bad weeks, or bad months. If its either of the latter two, then it clearly isn't right for you. It's ok to try new things and challenge yourself, but the people and environment you hold at work is important because you spend so much time there.
Besides my career some other stuff happened in the past 3 years. I moved house... twice in a month. One was infested by rats...oh and the shower leaked through the ceiling. That's probably a whole other story for another time.
I finally, after years and posting cheesy chat up lines online, met someone special. (Awww this is the cute fluffy bit for the girls). Now a year and a bit strong, I've kind of got my own family situation to look out for, and properly taken after my old man in terms of keeping a kid entertained. It can be exhausting, but it can also bring great reward. Me and my Mrs have a great relationship, and have recently started discussing the possibility of living together. Watch this space..
So, i'm 29 now, and this whole saga began right back when i was just 22 years old. Incredible to think how much the landscape has changed in those 7 years, but after some pretty high speed bumps i feel like i'm finally going somewhere. I still take the medication to this day, each night before bed, and i'm hoping to soon review the situation with the doctor and take the dosage down. Yes, i have relapses and panic attacks, they haven't completely gone, but i have learnt to control them, and the situations i know will cause them. I also have a couple of great close friends to give props too for keeping me above water through the past few years. These are the people i am eternally grateful too.
I shared this story because depression, anxiety, and stress are all common things in young adults these days. Having clawed my way through some hefty situations, i just plead to those affected you are not alone, and over time things do get better. I have an arrow tattooed on my arm which represents life to me. You have to sometimes pull it back into the bad, to appreciate the going forward and good parts. At the back of my arrow are 3 feathers...my Nan, my Grandad and my Dad. 3 people whom had a huge impact on my life,and losing each of them although heartbreaking, has made me a stronger person. For every person i make laugh, for every kid i make smile, and every good deed i do..i do it for them, because thats exactly what they did for me.
I hope someone somewhere got something from this story, and if i can help anyone further with mental health awareness or guidance on losing someone close to them, i will try to help. I have many more stories i will look to explore through my blogs, some of which have remained very hidden and personal until now. Where do we go next, you will have to wait and see.
Thanks for taking this journey with me if you came along for the ride, and letting me share The Untold Story.
Martin
Friday 9 September 2016
Friday 2 September 2016
The Untold Story - Part 4
Sometimes you just have to stick your hands up and shout help. I sent myself to the GP, and explained how everything was just crumbling, and i was getting panic/anxiety attacks in sporadic sessions. He said three words to me 'Are you stressed?'. I explained the work situation, and then i diverted off explaining how i had lost dad, even if it was a few years ago. Apparently, things like this can be handled easily at the time they happen, but can come back to effect you in later life as Post Traumatic Stress. That topped off with everything else had just sent my body into shutdown. We looked at two options, option one, professional counselling on a regular basis to discuss my issues and vent, and option two medication. Considering my situation career wise wasn't exactly bright, i decided i needed a behind the scenes fix where i could continue life and improve at the same time. The last thing i wanted to do was take more time out from work, so i chose medication.
At this point, its probably worth pointing out at the age of 29 i still have not fathomed the method of swallowing tablets. Me and my sister have pretty much nailed this on an incident involving a Tunes sweet, and my Nan having to turn me upside down while i was choking. Don't ever offer me a Tune...i'm mentally scared for life. So i twisted the doctors arm for some kind of liquid. He got out this giant medical book, something which seemed to resemble a spell book at that point, and thought he had found something. 'I'm not sure on this, but i think this should work' He reassuringly said. 'It's drops, which you dilute in water...you must be careful on the dosage though as they are a strong reaction'. You must realize, when you are sat feeling miserable and helpless in front of a doctor, any solution is a good solution to you. I agreed and said although he wasn't sure i would try them. 'However...' he said, as my facial expression sudden turned to confusion, 'there are some strange side effects, some you might have some you wont'. Some were obvious, some of the more entertaining ones i found 'can cause Panic and Anxiety' 'Erectile Issues' 'Suicidal Thoughts'... These drugs sure sounded heavy, and like any insane human being, the first thing i did was Google what i was taking. I found lots of medical pages, but i did stumble across a forum, where people who had been taking the medication talked about there findings. A lot of the talk was positive reviews, but after a long period of time, sometimes months or years. They stated 'keep going with it, even if it doesn't look like anything is happening'
I took my first dose, and on about day 3, i was in a collapsed weak state. Unable to move, or function i had to be written off from work for a few days as i physically could not do anything. After seeing the doctor again, he changed the dosage down, but agreed we should continue with the medication. Sure enough, 4 or 5 days later, i was back moving, and life seemed to continue on as normal. Over the course of the weeks and months that followed i learned some valuable points on my medication. The first was i could never just stop taking it if i felt i was 'cured'. This wasn't something you can easily come off, and you have to gently ease not taking it as a gradual process. The second thing i learnt, is you don't mix it with alcohol. Still being relatively young and influenced, i had on nights mixed with alcohol and been violently sick. So i would drink, and not take the medication,and be sick from not taking it. It was a lose/lose situation. In late 2015, i finally decided to become Tee Total, and never touch an alcoholic drink again. I had run my party shoes out with alcohol, and was happy to hang them up for good, and embark on sober nights forever more.
So, as this story draws to a close in the next edition, your probably wondering if there is a light at the end of the tunnel? In the final part of this blog, i'm going to pull the story right up to the present in how i managed to turn things around in the past few years, and how i fight off the panic & anxiety demons now. The whole point of me writing The Untold Story is to show people experiencing similar situations at a young age that they are not alone. Mental Health goes unnoticed in most, and worst of all loved ones and people close by who do not understand the situation can easily be pushed away. If after writing this, one or two more people have a better knowledge of how this mentally effects people...then it was a blog worth writing.
Look forward to the final...and more positive chapter..next time.
Martin
At this point, its probably worth pointing out at the age of 29 i still have not fathomed the method of swallowing tablets. Me and my sister have pretty much nailed this on an incident involving a Tunes sweet, and my Nan having to turn me upside down while i was choking. Don't ever offer me a Tune...i'm mentally scared for life. So i twisted the doctors arm for some kind of liquid. He got out this giant medical book, something which seemed to resemble a spell book at that point, and thought he had found something. 'I'm not sure on this, but i think this should work' He reassuringly said. 'It's drops, which you dilute in water...you must be careful on the dosage though as they are a strong reaction'. You must realize, when you are sat feeling miserable and helpless in front of a doctor, any solution is a good solution to you. I agreed and said although he wasn't sure i would try them. 'However...' he said, as my facial expression sudden turned to confusion, 'there are some strange side effects, some you might have some you wont'. Some were obvious, some of the more entertaining ones i found 'can cause Panic and Anxiety' 'Erectile Issues' 'Suicidal Thoughts'... These drugs sure sounded heavy, and like any insane human being, the first thing i did was Google what i was taking. I found lots of medical pages, but i did stumble across a forum, where people who had been taking the medication talked about there findings. A lot of the talk was positive reviews, but after a long period of time, sometimes months or years. They stated 'keep going with it, even if it doesn't look like anything is happening'
I took my first dose, and on about day 3, i was in a collapsed weak state. Unable to move, or function i had to be written off from work for a few days as i physically could not do anything. After seeing the doctor again, he changed the dosage down, but agreed we should continue with the medication. Sure enough, 4 or 5 days later, i was back moving, and life seemed to continue on as normal. Over the course of the weeks and months that followed i learned some valuable points on my medication. The first was i could never just stop taking it if i felt i was 'cured'. This wasn't something you can easily come off, and you have to gently ease not taking it as a gradual process. The second thing i learnt, is you don't mix it with alcohol. Still being relatively young and influenced, i had on nights mixed with alcohol and been violently sick. So i would drink, and not take the medication,and be sick from not taking it. It was a lose/lose situation. In late 2015, i finally decided to become Tee Total, and never touch an alcoholic drink again. I had run my party shoes out with alcohol, and was happy to hang them up for good, and embark on sober nights forever more.
So, as this story draws to a close in the next edition, your probably wondering if there is a light at the end of the tunnel? In the final part of this blog, i'm going to pull the story right up to the present in how i managed to turn things around in the past few years, and how i fight off the panic & anxiety demons now. The whole point of me writing The Untold Story is to show people experiencing similar situations at a young age that they are not alone. Mental Health goes unnoticed in most, and worst of all loved ones and people close by who do not understand the situation can easily be pushed away. If after writing this, one or two more people have a better knowledge of how this mentally effects people...then it was a blog worth writing.
Look forward to the final...and more positive chapter..next time.
Martin
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