Once everything had started to calm down, it soon came about that a 4 bed house was too big and costly to maintain for just two of us. With my sister now safely back in Australia, that just left me and my mum living in the family home. With mums head firmly set on moving to the coast, that led me to a big decision at just 22.
Since i had been back from Australia, id found myself unemployed. In order to be able to take such a long holiday, i had to agree to break my contract of work, and basically leave my job. This meant i quickly had to find work. Having many connections to Street, as this is where i went to College and had previously worked, i started to look for open opportunities. For legal reasons, i cannot outright name any company in this story, but i soon found an advert for a very large retailer looking for staff. It was local, good enough pay, and a job i could do. So come the end of 2009, in early November, i started working for them
Within just 6 months of being in the role, i was already looking for something more challenging. I had elevated to a senior member of the team in a short time, but the challenge and interest of the job just didn't exist enough to keep me. The retailer had a vast array of departments internally, and i soon found an opportunity to move roles. Around the same time as starting this new job, i had decided it was time to move out of home, and rent on my own. I was now pulling enough wage in to support accommodation, so i started to look and view local properties in the area, trying to locate close to work to cut down on travel. Just recently a new estate was being built, and i found out that some of the properties were being rented out. After a couple of viewings, i had decided this was going to my home, literally 5 mins walk from work.
As i had been viewing properties on my own, i had to break the news to my mum that i had finally found somewhere to move out too. I explained i had friends nearby, and the location fitted with my work, i felt i was ready. You could tell she had almost come to accept the fact that moving out was going to my choice, but it would still be a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I got the keys in June of 2010, and as soon as i had them, regardless of furniture, i had to stay in my own flat, because i finally had my own space. (It had nothing to do with the fact the Sky man was coming the next day to install obviously). I packed up the bare essentials, a sleeping bag and a TV, and spent my first night, on the floor of my new flat, much like a squatter would have. As i lay there on carpet, just in a sleeping bag, i wondered if i had made decisions i would later regret, or is this how things were meant to pan out.
Soon enough the place started coming together, and with the job now in full swing, i finally felt like life was getting along. A year or two passed, and i was again on the hunt for a more challenging and diverse job.Looking to again move internally in the same company, i struck a few interviews and found positions of interest. Nothing seem to be happening though. I spoke to one of the interviewing managers and he replied 'you were great, but your manager dos't seem to think you want to leave, you may want to talk to him'. Now realizing i was trying to climb a wall i was never going to get over, in order to keep me in my current role, allegedly my line manger was putting out and fires i tried to start in order to leave. The roadblock had been firmly put in place. I approached him to discuss lettling me go on a short term leave, with the intention to return, just to re spark my motivation again, and give me knowledge in other areas. He did not agree to these terms.
When you grow up you soon realize you need this thing called a job, as it provides you this other thing called money, which seems to make the world go round. As i had a good income, i decided to bite my lip, and continue carry on. In the summer of 2013, it was announced the department was facing redundancies. My head spinning, and unsure of the future, the proposal was simple. You could apply for any job in the department you wanted, everything was up for grabs, and you interviewed like anyone else would. However not everyone would land the job they wanted, and some would land nothing at all.
This is where it felt like it first started, this is where panic overtook, and my mood rapidly deteriorated. I found myself having continual panic attack phases in short bursts, and at times i was totally put off eating. At times i felt sick, and extremely stressed out with life. Looking back now, i cant have been the easiest person to deal with at this time, and i found myself spiraling deeper down and down mood wise. It soon became clear, i needed help.
This story will continue again in the coming weeks.
Friday 19 August 2016
Thursday 11 August 2016
The Untold Story - Part 2
Ok, so last time we were here, i was 20 thousand feet in the air on my way back home. The mind constantly running with disbelief of the situation at hand, there was no time to take in the scenery. Once i had touched back in the UK, one of my friends greeted me at the airport. There was nothing better at that time, but to see a face you know. Another journey would then begin as we traveled from Heathrow back to Somerset. I was composed at this point, there were no tears or upset, i was just focused on returning home and getting to grips with everything.
As we pulled into the estate, part of me deep down remembered the last time i saw him in this spot. In the porch way, before i left, talking about the trip and having a laugh. The same porch way was now in front of me with a different feel. I got out of the car, walked up the driveway, my mum visibly upset by my arrival, and i simply said 'I'm home now'
Once my sister arrived with her partner, a place she had not returned too since she emigrated years before, the atmosphere was different. You just expect certain people to be in certain places, and things just didn't feel like home. It wasn't too long, and soon funeral arrangements had started to be arranged. We all decided to have a say in how things would go, from music to what hymns would be featured. Musical tracks, which not until 7 years later could i listen to again. I remember a distinct moment in all of this was when mum advised the undertaker had offered us to go and see dad before the funeral. It was a decision i was unsure on, do i take the lasting memory i have of him, or do i see him forever more in my mind in that environment which i had never been too before. I decided i wanted to remain with the thoughts i have, and keep the lasting image of him i still hold to this day.
Funerals are strange, because you end up seeing family and friends you dont see at any other time. As we traveled to Yeovil by hearse, i was thinking of all the funny times and jokes we had shared, and how his sense of humour had rubbed off on me. At that very point, on the A303 carriageway, a hearse decided to overtake us right down the right hand lane at great speed. On such a sad day. we all chuckled in the car, and said even up until his last swan song, he would always make us laugh.
As the funeral service went through, and i listened to the stories being told of his childhood, and love for his family, i knew soon it would be my time to speak. Both myself and my sister had pledged to read the Eulogy. A personal touch for us both, where we could write down what he meant, and give a personal recollection of the impact he had on us. As the time came in the service, my nerves were an all time high. I took to the podium, my notes in my hand, and in that split second before i started i looked around the room. Co workers, friends of his, neighbors, everyone was there. As my eyes came down to the front, directly looking at the coffin i could see my Nan & Grandad. They were both fixed on the coffin in the middle, and i realized at this point i was about to give the biggest speech in my life. Not only did i want to make my dad proud, but i also want to do justice for the people who had raised him many years before i was born.
I spoke of my best friend, and how he gave his everything to any job or person in front of him. A dedicated and passionate man, with an incredible sense of humour which made him so many friends. Surprised i was composed the entire time, i then handed to my sister who too would highly speak of a true role model for us both. After we had finished we both had a sigh of relief and took our seat for the final part.
As the curtains closed in the crematorium, and the music began to play (We had chosen Dexies Midnight Runners, a personal song choice for him), everyone stood up to leave. As i made my way to the exit, i passed by the front of the where the coffin was just moments ago, and i quietly said 'Goodbye Dad'.
Outside in the crematorium gardens, as a family (Mum, My Sister and Me) we greeted everyone who came to the service. The hardest part was seeing my Nan now much more visibly upset, and almost crumbling against the wall. As me and my uncle helped her stand, i realized I had already begun to fill the spot as the male figurehead of the family. I now felt i had to continue on the great legacy the man before me had left, and continue to support the family he had left behind.
This story will continue more in the coming weeks...
As we pulled into the estate, part of me deep down remembered the last time i saw him in this spot. In the porch way, before i left, talking about the trip and having a laugh. The same porch way was now in front of me with a different feel. I got out of the car, walked up the driveway, my mum visibly upset by my arrival, and i simply said 'I'm home now'
Once my sister arrived with her partner, a place she had not returned too since she emigrated years before, the atmosphere was different. You just expect certain people to be in certain places, and things just didn't feel like home. It wasn't too long, and soon funeral arrangements had started to be arranged. We all decided to have a say in how things would go, from music to what hymns would be featured. Musical tracks, which not until 7 years later could i listen to again. I remember a distinct moment in all of this was when mum advised the undertaker had offered us to go and see dad before the funeral. It was a decision i was unsure on, do i take the lasting memory i have of him, or do i see him forever more in my mind in that environment which i had never been too before. I decided i wanted to remain with the thoughts i have, and keep the lasting image of him i still hold to this day.
Funerals are strange, because you end up seeing family and friends you dont see at any other time. As we traveled to Yeovil by hearse, i was thinking of all the funny times and jokes we had shared, and how his sense of humour had rubbed off on me. At that very point, on the A303 carriageway, a hearse decided to overtake us right down the right hand lane at great speed. On such a sad day. we all chuckled in the car, and said even up until his last swan song, he would always make us laugh.
As the funeral service went through, and i listened to the stories being told of his childhood, and love for his family, i knew soon it would be my time to speak. Both myself and my sister had pledged to read the Eulogy. A personal touch for us both, where we could write down what he meant, and give a personal recollection of the impact he had on us. As the time came in the service, my nerves were an all time high. I took to the podium, my notes in my hand, and in that split second before i started i looked around the room. Co workers, friends of his, neighbors, everyone was there. As my eyes came down to the front, directly looking at the coffin i could see my Nan & Grandad. They were both fixed on the coffin in the middle, and i realized at this point i was about to give the biggest speech in my life. Not only did i want to make my dad proud, but i also want to do justice for the people who had raised him many years before i was born.
I spoke of my best friend, and how he gave his everything to any job or person in front of him. A dedicated and passionate man, with an incredible sense of humour which made him so many friends. Surprised i was composed the entire time, i then handed to my sister who too would highly speak of a true role model for us both. After we had finished we both had a sigh of relief and took our seat for the final part.
As the curtains closed in the crematorium, and the music began to play (We had chosen Dexies Midnight Runners, a personal song choice for him), everyone stood up to leave. As i made my way to the exit, i passed by the front of the where the coffin was just moments ago, and i quietly said 'Goodbye Dad'.
Outside in the crematorium gardens, as a family (Mum, My Sister and Me) we greeted everyone who came to the service. The hardest part was seeing my Nan now much more visibly upset, and almost crumbling against the wall. As me and my uncle helped her stand, i realized I had already begun to fill the spot as the male figurehead of the family. I now felt i had to continue on the great legacy the man before me had left, and continue to support the family he had left behind.
This story will continue more in the coming weeks...
Thursday 4 August 2016
The Untold Story: Part 1
I've finally realized i am that point in my life i can openly discuss some events of my life that unfolded which certainly changed the course of how things continued. To some this type of conversation can bring up old memories, and times to reflect on things in your own life, but i feel it is important to divulge exactly what happened, and how the landscape of my life changed so drastically from these events over the years. The next few blogs will be the untold story of loss, heartbreak and depression. They will not be for the faint of heart, and the stories involved will be extremely real. By explaining how i handled things, i hope to inspire others in similar situations, and help people not effected by these issues to understand those who are much better. I feel safe to say i am on the other side of all of this, and my life right now is amazing,so i am happy to reflect on the past and help others learn from it.
Our story begins in the midst of 2009. I find myself, 10,000 miles across the world in Sydney Australia. Having hit a roadblock in terms of work, i decided a break was needed to rediscover things, and catch up with my sister who had emigrated years before to set up married life out there. I would be out there for a few months to fully appreciate everything, and spend some quality time together, and would look to return just short of my 22nd birthday.
Its night time, and we are talking middle of the night, early hours of the morning, from what i remember it was pitch black outside. I'm suddenly hearing a ringing sound, and confused why a phone is going at such hour of the night. I stir a bit, highly confused, i can hear my sisters partner race down the stairs to answer it. Then there was a long silence. I couldn't hear anything at all. By now my sister had joined him downstairs. I sit up right in bed, still rubbing my eyes...and then all i can hear is crying. Immediately understanding something isn't right, i head out onto the landing to see my sister crying into her partners shoulder. As i make myself half way down the first set of stairs, and ask what has happened, the reply was simple from him. 'That was your mum.... your dad has passed away...i'm so sorry'.
I crumbled to a seated position in the midst of the stairs. It was shock, it was disbelief, it was not knowing anything at all. I joined them in the kitchen, my sister still visibly upset, i decided to ring my mum back, more for my sanity than anything else. As the phone connects through, i can hear in her voice on the other end she is upset. Our family has always been well spoken around each other, and rarely sworn or cursed a bad word in each others presence. It was only fitting my opening line would be 'Ermmm right sorry but what the actual fuck is going on?' She began to tell me the story of how events had unfolded that day, and led up to what was currently late into the night in the UK. How he had left for work that morning, discussing if he was picking up the bread, a normal day, which just after lunch at work, saw him collapse to the floor. My father was a man of big stature, so this was quite a fall, and as paramedics rushed to get him to hospital...in the ambulance it was all but too late. Confused by this sudden development, and knowing i had been emailing my dad just days before, i still could not grasp that anything was wrong. Later on we would discover an un-diagnosed blood clot on the lung had slowly been taking its course,right up until this fateful day.
After hanging up the phone, composing myself, and realizing the situation we were now in, a plan had to be put into action. We were all 10,000 miles away, and i had the best part of a week and a half still to go. I began to contact airlines,and arrange to fly back the same day. I managed to get an upgraded ticket back leaving in a few hours, so it was time to quickly pack and get moving. I remember vividly saying goodbye to the place that had been my home for a few months, and all of sudden it would now be the place i remember receiving such devastating news. As the car pulled off the drive to the airport, i was already thinking of how this still did not feel real, and was just a really bad dream. As Australia was almost behind me, i took my souvenirs and luggage to the check in desk and looked ready to depart home. With an emotional goodbye to my sister, i stated 'i'm going home to take control...i'll see you there'. As i had arrived the long journey to Australia alone to begin, i knew the long journey back i would certainly have my thoughts with me the whole time for company. I couldn't eat, talk or sleep, i was just wide awake, not understanding that when i got home, my best friend would not be there.
This would certainly be a long journey home...
(This story and the after effects will continue in the coming weeks)
Our story begins in the midst of 2009. I find myself, 10,000 miles across the world in Sydney Australia. Having hit a roadblock in terms of work, i decided a break was needed to rediscover things, and catch up with my sister who had emigrated years before to set up married life out there. I would be out there for a few months to fully appreciate everything, and spend some quality time together, and would look to return just short of my 22nd birthday.
Its night time, and we are talking middle of the night, early hours of the morning, from what i remember it was pitch black outside. I'm suddenly hearing a ringing sound, and confused why a phone is going at such hour of the night. I stir a bit, highly confused, i can hear my sisters partner race down the stairs to answer it. Then there was a long silence. I couldn't hear anything at all. By now my sister had joined him downstairs. I sit up right in bed, still rubbing my eyes...and then all i can hear is crying. Immediately understanding something isn't right, i head out onto the landing to see my sister crying into her partners shoulder. As i make myself half way down the first set of stairs, and ask what has happened, the reply was simple from him. 'That was your mum.... your dad has passed away...i'm so sorry'.
I crumbled to a seated position in the midst of the stairs. It was shock, it was disbelief, it was not knowing anything at all. I joined them in the kitchen, my sister still visibly upset, i decided to ring my mum back, more for my sanity than anything else. As the phone connects through, i can hear in her voice on the other end she is upset. Our family has always been well spoken around each other, and rarely sworn or cursed a bad word in each others presence. It was only fitting my opening line would be 'Ermmm right sorry but what the actual fuck is going on?' She began to tell me the story of how events had unfolded that day, and led up to what was currently late into the night in the UK. How he had left for work that morning, discussing if he was picking up the bread, a normal day, which just after lunch at work, saw him collapse to the floor. My father was a man of big stature, so this was quite a fall, and as paramedics rushed to get him to hospital...in the ambulance it was all but too late. Confused by this sudden development, and knowing i had been emailing my dad just days before, i still could not grasp that anything was wrong. Later on we would discover an un-diagnosed blood clot on the lung had slowly been taking its course,right up until this fateful day.
After hanging up the phone, composing myself, and realizing the situation we were now in, a plan had to be put into action. We were all 10,000 miles away, and i had the best part of a week and a half still to go. I began to contact airlines,and arrange to fly back the same day. I managed to get an upgraded ticket back leaving in a few hours, so it was time to quickly pack and get moving. I remember vividly saying goodbye to the place that had been my home for a few months, and all of sudden it would now be the place i remember receiving such devastating news. As the car pulled off the drive to the airport, i was already thinking of how this still did not feel real, and was just a really bad dream. As Australia was almost behind me, i took my souvenirs and luggage to the check in desk and looked ready to depart home. With an emotional goodbye to my sister, i stated 'i'm going home to take control...i'll see you there'. As i had arrived the long journey to Australia alone to begin, i knew the long journey back i would certainly have my thoughts with me the whole time for company. I couldn't eat, talk or sleep, i was just wide awake, not understanding that when i got home, my best friend would not be there.
This would certainly be a long journey home...
(This story and the after effects will continue in the coming weeks)
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