Once everything had started to calm down, it soon came about that a 4 bed house was too big and costly to maintain for just two of us. With my sister now safely back in Australia, that just left me and my mum living in the family home. With mums head firmly set on moving to the coast, that led me to a big decision at just 22.
Since i had been back from Australia, id found myself unemployed. In order to be able to take such a long holiday, i had to agree to break my contract of work, and basically leave my job. This meant i quickly had to find work. Having many connections to Street, as this is where i went to College and had previously worked, i started to look for open opportunities. For legal reasons, i cannot outright name any company in this story, but i soon found an advert for a very large retailer looking for staff. It was local, good enough pay, and a job i could do. So come the end of 2009, in early November, i started working for them
Within just 6 months of being in the role, i was already looking for something more challenging. I had elevated to a senior member of the team in a short time, but the challenge and interest of the job just didn't exist enough to keep me. The retailer had a vast array of departments internally, and i soon found an opportunity to move roles. Around the same time as starting this new job, i had decided it was time to move out of home, and rent on my own. I was now pulling enough wage in to support accommodation, so i started to look and view local properties in the area, trying to locate close to work to cut down on travel. Just recently a new estate was being built, and i found out that some of the properties were being rented out. After a couple of viewings, i had decided this was going to my home, literally 5 mins walk from work.
As i had been viewing properties on my own, i had to break the news to my mum that i had finally found somewhere to move out too. I explained i had friends nearby, and the location fitted with my work, i felt i was ready. You could tell she had almost come to accept the fact that moving out was going to my choice, but it would still be a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I got the keys in June of 2010, and as soon as i had them, regardless of furniture, i had to stay in my own flat, because i finally had my own space. (It had nothing to do with the fact the Sky man was coming the next day to install obviously). I packed up the bare essentials, a sleeping bag and a TV, and spent my first night, on the floor of my new flat, much like a squatter would have. As i lay there on carpet, just in a sleeping bag, i wondered if i had made decisions i would later regret, or is this how things were meant to pan out.
Soon enough the place started coming together, and with the job now in full swing, i finally felt like life was getting along. A year or two passed, and i was again on the hunt for a more challenging and diverse job.Looking to again move internally in the same company, i struck a few interviews and found positions of interest. Nothing seem to be happening though. I spoke to one of the interviewing managers and he replied 'you were great, but your manager dos't seem to think you want to leave, you may want to talk to him'. Now realizing i was trying to climb a wall i was never going to get over, in order to keep me in my current role, allegedly my line manger was putting out and fires i tried to start in order to leave. The roadblock had been firmly put in place. I approached him to discuss lettling me go on a short term leave, with the intention to return, just to re spark my motivation again, and give me knowledge in other areas. He did not agree to these terms.
When you grow up you soon realize you need this thing called a job, as it provides you this other thing called money, which seems to make the world go round. As i had a good income, i decided to bite my lip, and continue carry on. In the summer of 2013, it was announced the department was facing redundancies. My head spinning, and unsure of the future, the proposal was simple. You could apply for any job in the department you wanted, everything was up for grabs, and you interviewed like anyone else would. However not everyone would land the job they wanted, and some would land nothing at all.
This is where it felt like it first started, this is where panic overtook, and my mood rapidly deteriorated. I found myself having continual panic attack phases in short bursts, and at times i was totally put off eating. At times i felt sick, and extremely stressed out with life. Looking back now, i cant have been the easiest person to deal with at this time, and i found myself spiraling deeper down and down mood wise. It soon became clear, i needed help.
This story will continue again in the coming weeks.
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