Sometimes you just have to stick your hands up and shout help. I sent myself to the GP, and explained how everything was just crumbling, and i was getting panic/anxiety attacks in sporadic sessions. He said three words to me 'Are you stressed?'. I explained the work situation, and then i diverted off explaining how i had lost dad, even if it was a few years ago. Apparently, things like this can be handled easily at the time they happen, but can come back to effect you in later life as Post Traumatic Stress. That topped off with everything else had just sent my body into shutdown. We looked at two options, option one, professional counselling on a regular basis to discuss my issues and vent, and option two medication. Considering my situation career wise wasn't exactly bright, i decided i needed a behind the scenes fix where i could continue life and improve at the same time. The last thing i wanted to do was take more time out from work, so i chose medication.
At this point, its probably worth pointing out at the age of 29 i still have not fathomed the method of swallowing tablets. Me and my sister have pretty much nailed this on an incident involving a Tunes sweet, and my Nan having to turn me upside down while i was choking. Don't ever offer me a Tune...i'm mentally scared for life. So i twisted the doctors arm for some kind of liquid. He got out this giant medical book, something which seemed to resemble a spell book at that point, and thought he had found something. 'I'm not sure on this, but i think this should work' He reassuringly said. 'It's drops, which you dilute in water...you must be careful on the dosage though as they are a strong reaction'. You must realize, when you are sat feeling miserable and helpless in front of a doctor, any solution is a good solution to you. I agreed and said although he wasn't sure i would try them. 'However...' he said, as my facial expression sudden turned to confusion, 'there are some strange side effects, some you might have some you wont'. Some were obvious, some of the more entertaining ones i found 'can cause Panic and Anxiety' 'Erectile Issues' 'Suicidal Thoughts'... These drugs sure sounded heavy, and like any insane human being, the first thing i did was Google what i was taking. I found lots of medical pages, but i did stumble across a forum, where people who had been taking the medication talked about there findings. A lot of the talk was positive reviews, but after a long period of time, sometimes months or years. They stated 'keep going with it, even if it doesn't look like anything is happening'
I took my first dose, and on about day 3, i was in a collapsed weak state. Unable to move, or function i had to be written off from work for a few days as i physically could not do anything. After seeing the doctor again, he changed the dosage down, but agreed we should continue with the medication. Sure enough, 4 or 5 days later, i was back moving, and life seemed to continue on as normal. Over the course of the weeks and months that followed i learned some valuable points on my medication. The first was i could never just stop taking it if i felt i was 'cured'. This wasn't something you can easily come off, and you have to gently ease not taking it as a gradual process. The second thing i learnt, is you don't mix it with alcohol. Still being relatively young and influenced, i had on nights mixed with alcohol and been violently sick. So i would drink, and not take the medication,and be sick from not taking it. It was a lose/lose situation. In late 2015, i finally decided to become Tee Total, and never touch an alcoholic drink again. I had run my party shoes out with alcohol, and was happy to hang them up for good, and embark on sober nights forever more.
So, as this story draws to a close in the next edition, your probably wondering if there is a light at the end of the tunnel? In the final part of this blog, i'm going to pull the story right up to the present in how i managed to turn things around in the past few years, and how i fight off the panic & anxiety demons now. The whole point of me writing The Untold Story is to show people experiencing similar situations at a young age that they are not alone. Mental Health goes unnoticed in most, and worst of all loved ones and people close by who do not understand the situation can easily be pushed away. If after writing this, one or two more people have a better knowledge of how this mentally effects people...then it was a blog worth writing.
Look forward to the final...and more positive chapter..next time.
Martin
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